Does being needed = Love?

How many years did I cultivate ways to be needed as a way to get love?  Seems like it started around age 4 when my Dad had a big identity crisis that pushed him to clean out the bank accounts and leave town to find himself with no intention of returning (albeit without announcing any of this in advance to my mother or me).  I came downstairs to find my mother, having just put the pieces together, in pieces crying in the dark on the living room sofa.  At that moment, I lost my innocence.  My mother's pain was so big for her that she had become completely withdrawn in that moment.  Very scary for a sensitive, empathic little boy. The only way I knew to connect was to become the fixer...to be needed.  On a non-verbal, pre-rational level, I stopped trusting love and closed my heart, surrounding it with a thick coating of fear that promised to protect me and keep me safe from any future pain.

I spent years, and thousands of hours and dollars pouring over books, teachings, and teachers to become invaluable...indispensible, and needed.  The energy that came back to me in moments where I was needed was generally not love, and if indeed it was love, I could rarely feel it as love, given the saran-wrap of fear surrounding my heart.  Real love triggered fear of abandonment...and a whole set of reflexes bent on proving my value and worth correlate with the degree of love coming my way.  All this created was drama, power-struggles, and deep loneliness to feel seen, heard, and included...a feeling of being invisible, except for the times when I would be able to come to someone's rescue.

There have been many deep moments of love and connection in my life.  However, my ability to root deeply into them through self-love was fleeting.  Training to become a healer has been my education about Love.  Through learning how to help other people connect to Truth and Love, I have been taken on the same journey.  This journey has no end.  Just as the Universe continues to expand and create more life, there seems to be infinite depth to the realization and embodiment of Love.  Love without a reason, Love without a cause, Love without any conditions.

The more I love me, the more I feel love for everything and from everything.  When I'm believing the insane voice of insecurity, there's no love...just power struggles with all of life that don't go anywhere expansive or uplifting.

The latest catalyst came my way in June of this year as I was reading early drafts of my friend and mentor David Elliott's second book HEALING.  I've been hearing about self-love for years.  Something in me was ready to let self-love wake up within me in palpable and grounded ways in the last number of months.  Something about me has irrevocably opened to Love.  Every aspect of my life is a different experience because of it.  Remarkably different.  Even my body.  And for all the transformation that's gone down in the last number of months, I know I've only begun to scratch the surface of what's possible.  

I'd say it's the first exercise in the book...the one that asks me to make a list of all the ways I love myself...to do this daily until it becomes easy to recognize and feel.  Working with this exercise day-in and day-out...remembering, forgetting, remembering, forgetting, remembering, and remembering.....

The gold in this book is in the practicing.  It's in cultivating the discipline long enough to out-create the illusions of being separate, alone, insecure, unworthy, etc.  Are you worth it?  I know I am.  And from my point-of-view, either everyone is worth it, or no one is.  We are all worth it.  That's just how it is.

Today I was with a new friend for a delicious home-made lunch.  I met him fairly recently, and noticed a deep attraction arising on my end that I had thought was mutual.  However, as I leaned into it a little deeper in the last few days, I noticed that there was a strong sexual energy moving through me when I thought of him that wasn't moving through my heart.  There were two distinct flavors in my experience of my energy while thinking of him:  one of the spiritual seeker with a big heart within him, the other as pure physical desire.

This morning, prior to our lunch, I was meditating.  In meditation, my intuition suggested there was likely some sexual abuse energy around the friend that was triggering old patterns in me that were rooted in similar energy...an old energy that says things like, "Take a short-cut...sex will get you the love and intimacy you crave," and other lies.  As it was arising, I was guided to connect more deeply to self-love and be willing to see that this person may indeed not be a romantic partner for me at this time.  That this may be a relationship that teaches me more about clarity with love and clarity with what love is not.

At lunch, he was sharing about a family member with addiction prominently in her life.  I smelled the energy of sexual abuse, and took the risk of asking...at which point, he shared that not only did she have it, but he too had sexual abuse in his life at an early age.  This energy that he carries, that I have been looking at within myself, is very psychic.  It can spot other people with similar energies stored or suppressed in their body and emotions and stimulate it to make a connection that is not based on love, but based on neediness and insecurity.  

Putting this on the table in our conversation; establishing that at this time our relationship is not set up to be a romantic one, gives both of us the freedom to be honest, risk opening our hearts a little wider, and share in the journey of healing.

The more each of us steps into courage and speaks and writes about these energies, the sooner Love, real Love, will become easier to spot and connect with.

It is time to lay aside the illusions -- the anger, fear, and sadness do not protect us.  They do not nurture us.  They have become adept at creating the illusion of love.  It is time for LOVE.  Love is not a peak experience, it is not something that can be given or taken.  Love can only be demonstrated within oneself, within myself.  As I love myself in your presence, something powerful happens.  And it's always amazing to me.

David's book, with the exercises, and breathing meditations are one of the cleanest supports I've seen for this awakening.

30 Days + of Gratitude ~ Day 17

1. I am grateful for the moments when I question my value, as they let me know where the next opening within myself has become available and ready to approach...to approach through telling myself the truth, opening my Heart, and letting go of the illusions.
2. I am grateful for all the love in my life.  I am surrounded by it everywhere I look.  When I'm loving myself, it's easy to see that it starts with me.
3. I am grateful for clean sheets!  No matter how many moments, days, and years of getting into a bed made of fresh-from-the-laundry-sheets, that first moment of skin-to-sheets contact is bliss!
4. I am grateful for all the smiles I see on people's faces, especially when they're unsolicited and arising for no particular reason.  They're contagious, courageous, and beautiful!
5. I am grateful my eyes.  They have crisp, clear vision, and show me life in new and amazing ways each and every day.

30 Days + of Gratitude ~ Day 12

1. I'm grateful for this list to keep bringing me back to gratitude every day.  Everyone (just about...) has circumstances.  And a number of us have emotions around circumstances.  Even me.  This list is one of many practices I'm deeply engaged with that are helping me stay clear, and become clearer than ever.  The process of cleaning out the illusions doesn't always feel so tidy or beautiful, but seems like it always looks amazing in retrospect.  So here's virtual glass raised to all who choose to walk through the illusions, no matter what it takes, and become clearer.
2. I'm grateful for all the people out there I know about, and the ones I do not, who're choosing to clear the clutter, see through the noise, and choose Truth.  Your work, even if you feel alone, impacts me and everyone else who's making this choice....keep walking!
3. I'm grateful for the rich conversation with my Dad this morning on the phone.  While there are areas where we don't see eye-to-eye, there's one we do, and that's Love.  I love him, he loves me, and neither one of us needs to use cards and presents to prove it anymore.  Now cards and presents are gravy.  Thank you Dad....I love you!
4. I'm grateful for all the hard work my Mom did to raise herself and me all these years...most of it, I may never know about.  Mom...you're a hero to me, and I love you!
5. I'm grateful for all the ways Spirit finds to creatively get my attention onto what matters.  Tonight it was finding all the old receipt books for healing products (oils, sage, etc) clients have bought from me over the last couple of years.  In sitting at the shredder with them, I was able to feel gratitude for each and every one of you and all the lessons, love, and growth we walked through together.  Thank you!  

Deepening Trust

On a scale of 1-10, how much Unconditional Trust do you have that all your needs will be cared for even in the face of no evidence? Mine varies. I'm actively working with deepening it. And on the whole, I rarely judge myself for my level of trust. I know I'm a work in progress, that my work isn't about perfecting my human-ness, rather recognizing the perfection in everything as it is.

"Anyone can be enlightened in Heaven, can you be enlightened in Hell?"
~ Adyashanti

How do you find out how much Unconditional Trust you have? On the mat of real life. Life brings circumstances that appear beneficial or challenging. How I see them depends on my point of view. My emotional experience often lets me know, usually quite quickly, what my prevailing point of view is in the moment, often surfacing a buried (albeit potent and active) point of view for me to see and work with. If I'm experiencing any sort of contraction or suffering, I've learned to recognize that I'm invested in some sort of illusion.

In all actuality, there is never a problem. (This goes back to yesterday's entry on "Let It Go, Rise Up" where I mention finding a "good" tree and "bad" tree in nature...no such thing.) The idea of something being a "problem" presupposes something going south...and usually the feeling that something is "wrong". These are all ideas.

A racoon on the hunt for food and not finding any, doesn't need to call a therapist for meds to deal with survival anxiety. It relies on instinct and intuition to navigate to the next food source. It doesn't think of itself as a "bad racoon" for not finding food within a certain fabricated time frame. AND, it lives in harmony with the seasons. (Leaving aside climactic changes, etc.. This is an analogy, lol!).

Point being, pain may come and go, suffering is optional. Suffering is always based on investment (known or unknown) in some form of illusion.

Remedy? Truth.

How to find the truth? Ask yourself really good questions.

How to learn to ask really good questions? Trial and error. By doing it.

A GREAT starter question? Can I know for certain that "x" is the Absolute Truth?

Great questions, the ones that create the most space in mind and being, are the ones that don't necessarily have answers. They create a shift in point of view.

Around a two-dimensional circle, there are 360 degrees, or points of view (at least). If I have a particular point of view, especially one I am adamant is "right", it's useful for me to remember that there are at least 359 other points of view that could be equally right. Letting myself explore these other points of view can "unhook" me from my original point of view, and give me some spaciousness in my mind, my emotions, and my body.

Having right answers isn't all it's cracked up to be. Having Trust is.

It's a journey. This is just one of millions of points of view on Trust. : )

Starting at the Beginning...

I have been challenged by money in my life. I'm the only one, right? Ha ha ha! The flow of abundance (or not) weighs on nearly 99% of the people I know. And so many of us have avoided really looking at it, for fear that looking at it might conjure a nasty beast whose only interest is to consume us into non-existence, or worse yet, prolonged suffering. Yet avoiding this area is actually what's prolonging the suffering.

The flow, or lack thereof of money, at any given time, has historically held more weight over my self-opinion than the Truth of who and what I am. Over time, this has shifted, and in particular over the last few months of working with the principles in my friend and mentor, David Elliott's, new book HEALING. And there's still tremendous room for me to grow and develop in this area.

I've been revisiting beginnings. If it's true what David has said, "The approach determines the landing," then paging back through time to my beginnings in the areas of my life that are important to me now has given and will continue to open rich veins of insight into how things are playing out, and how to work with them differently.

However, if I'm not clear about how I got where I am, then I'm fairly likely to repeat the past.

The source of any and all of it, will continue to come back to my relationship with myself. My relationship with all of life is a perfect mirror of my relationship with all the aspects of myself. As I study myself, a sacred merger can happen and I become intimate with all of life. As I avoid myself, I become alienated from all of life. It's that simple.

I'm starting today with educating myself on the origins of money in a book by the same name, ON THE ORIGINS OF MONEY published in 1892 by Carl Menger.

As I bring myself up to speed on the beginnings of money, I'm simultaneously bringing myself up close and personal on my relationship with money by revisiting with fresh eyes, my beginnings with money and exchange.

May my studies be fully guided by Living Wisdom that has been purified by the sacred fire of Truth, Wisdom that goes far beyond intellect and words, and through its clarity, hones, sharpens, and aligns all my thoughts, feelings, and actions with Truth.

On the heels of writing all of that, this came in through Intuition, loud and clear:

You are endeavoring to master 'perception', namely your own. As you Master perception you can alter the perceived value of any goods or services with which you are involved, and lift exchange to its rightful place as a Sacred Act; that is an act which is fully aligned with the Truth of Spirit, the Truth of Reality.

Taste The Nectar of your own Heart

People come to the Work (by whatever name it may be called or not called) mostly thinking they're going to "get" something. And really what's happening is that they're coming to the Work to "lose" something.

The most valuable thing (really a non-thing) of all can't be "gotten". It's just covered up by personality, conditioning, experiences, etc.

You come to the Work to Lose what's covering up what You Are.

You already are the Peace, Love, and Security you seek through people, things, and experiences.

What the Work does is to create a space in your experience for RECOGNITION of what You Are. Once what You Are is seen (even for a fraction of a moment), the whole path starts to change. What you see in that fraction of a moment has a gravitational pull, pulling everything towards Love. How long it takes for the process to complete itself and for the proverbial fat-lady in life's opera to sing? Well, it seems to be different for everyone.

What you Are isn't an experience, and it can be seen through experiences. But chasing after experiences may not satisfy you. Have you noticed yet? Have you noticed that experiences come and then they go? Have you noticed that? Have you noticed that everything you can perceive with your senses has a beginning, a middle, and most definitely an End?

Working with something as simple as an active breathing process sets the stage for this recognition to occur...it "un-clutches" your attention.

Imagine making a fist....and imagine that the fist is closing in around something like needing your partner to acknowledge you in some way.

First, in that example, there's the experience that something is missing (approval), then the impulse to go and get it somehow. Then the determination around it is the even tighter clutching of the fist. Only your whole experience of yourself becomes contracted and clutched (even if it's subtle, clutching is still clutching....giving it a sweeter name is like putting lipstick on a pig)....and so even if approval and acknowledgment came your way, it can't make it through the contracted state of being for you to even experience it in the present moment.

In order to "receive", you have to become open, unclutched.

And the irony of this is that when you're unclutched, you're in contact with the Real You...where nothing is missing at all. In that moment, the "seeker" that has led you on a wild goose chase (from teacher to healer to CD to class to book to whatever is next on the wildly marketed spiritual buffet line)....in that moment, the "seeker" is temporarily paralyzed. And in that moment, you experience peace.

Very quickly thereafter, the ego wakes back up and believing that the peace came through an "experience" begins plotting away to create similar "experiences".....getting you back on the wild goose chase of experience-hunting.

It really believes that if it can string enough of these experiences together like some sort of necklace, you might get to live in a permanent "experience".

It doesn't work that way.

Peace comes through Recognition of what you Are, and resting in it. What you really are. Not what your mind tells you, or your mother-in-law tells you, or your pre-school teacher from 30 years ago tells you. It comes from surrendering into and ultimately as what you and I already are.

If you've been to a workshop with me, you may have noticed that I work with paradox quite a bit. I'll say one thing to one person, and something nearly opposite to another. The words are not the thing. They're being used to take consciousness to a deeper place. The workshops aren't a place to just gather information. You could spend (and may already have spent) countless lifetimes amassing information. So what. As a recovering information-junkie, I can tell you that information doesn't do squat for awakening, for recognizing Love. It just piles up and gathers dust.

Information is fine for fixing cars, doing open-heart surgery, cooking, passing exams....and there's nothing at all wrong with information. If your goal is Love, if your goal is Peace, if your goal is Security, if your goal is recognition and embodiment of Truth....information probably won't get you very far.

Letting go of concepts, beliefs, illusions about yourself, people, and life makes space for this Recognition, this remembering of who and what you are.

It really is a lot like surfing or body-surfing in my experience. All the "work" is to align with the wave, and surrender to it, let it carry you all the way in to Shore. It's building awareness of and utilizing this subtle musculature for True Balance.

Half an hour ago, I was cleaning and refilling my hummingbird feeder. As I was putting it back up outside, the hummingbirds came and sat on the feeder and starting drinking the nectar. I nearly pee'd myself (not really, but it makes it sound more dramatic!). If you know me, you know I get really excited about hummingbirds (among many other things), so having them not even an inch from my fingers was a great "surfing" opportunity.

I know how sensitive hummingbirds are to energy. I knew that if I started wanting them to be or do anything other than what they wanted, they'd feel it immediately and fly away. I also knew that I wanted to fully experience being with them. So it was this subtle balancing of being radically open to them without grasping for an experience (becoming clutched) and then being left unsatisfied.

What really excites me about hummingbirds is that they mirror something so deep and alive within me. The hummingbirds aren't the answer, they're another mirror.

With this extremely potent Full-Moon approaching, it's a great time to practice your surfing. And if you're in LA, I'd heavily encourage you to come to The Hub tomorrow afternoon from 2-6pm for the BreathWorks Immersion, The Alchemy of Transformation. We'll be working deeply with all of this and more.

Come to let go. Come to release, and become unclutched. In this release, you will recognize your Original Face, the face you had before your parents were born. In this release, you will taste the flavor of your own Heart, and in that tasting, you will experience the nectar of All Hearts.

Love,
Scott