What To Do When Nothing Seems To Be Working...

We all have these moments at one point or another. A situation, relationship, inner experience that just won't seem to yield to any of our best efforts at change.

The first thing is to take stock. What's the reality around what I'm dealing with in the situation at hand. Let me put all the facts on the table, so I can see what's the fabrication of insecurity either as a projection of fantasy or an attempt to solidify doubt. This is a really great thing to do in writing.

Next, getting clear about what my unmet needs and wants are about it...and being truthful about what I may be avoiding doing, looking at, and acknowledging that would get some flow moving. AND immediately doing, looking at, or acknowledging fully. OR, what am I doing that is a dis-service to my intentions, where am I leaking energy by engaging with the "unnecessary".

For many things, these steps will get things moving in a healthy direction, create more expansion, and open deeper clarity.

What if they don't? What if I really go for it, and am still feeling like it's "stuck"?

At this point, my intuition tells me that its probably a major life lesson, and that I'm being offered an opportunity to grow exponentially based on how I show up for myself and any related elements and people in the midst of the "stuckness".

When something like this pops its head up (mine seems to usually be around finance so far), the normal trend is for it to bring up insecurity, fear, and doubt...with a layer over it of anger, resentment, and frustration. These emotions, while having a sort of reality, can be a way of staying distracted from the best path of action and being. They can take on an overwhelming life of their own. One that seeks to involve other people's energy and attention, and none of it making any difference, only adding to the emotional turmoil, the emotional drama.

Example ~ my finances continue to expand and contract and expand and contract. When the finances appear to be contracting, it can trigger massive insecurity and distrust in the Universe having my back. Along with the insecurity and distrust, comes fear of very bleak ego-imagined future. If I let these feelings hang around, unquestioned, unexplored, and if I don't do the work of connecting with self-love....oh brother! Watch out! This is the place where I'm likely to stub a toe, forget things, run late, rush, get irritable with customer service providers, make poor nutritional decisions, etc. Sound at all familiar? And then, top it all off with some frothy self-judgment...if you've been walking the spiritual path, you might hear the voice that says, 'You should know better by now. Maybe you're devolving,' or something fairly close.

"You'll have much less drama with money in your personal life if you hold your value more."
~ David Elliott

I can't suppress those voices, as that'll only give them more fuel for their next appearance. And ignoring them is fruitless as well. PRESENCE.

I've got to get present. There are likely more ways of getting present than there are humans on the planet. So this isn't about the "right way" to get present, it's about trusting your common sense and doing what you know to do, and doing it NOW.

So back to the example around finance. Let's say I've already done everything I know to do around my finances and my work for the moment. Bills have been paid and/or explicit agreements have been made with all bill collectors. And let's say there's no real sense of where the next chunk of money's going to come from, or when. Then what?

PRESENCE. First, I get to cleaning. Physically cleaning all the spaces I occupy. Even if I just cleaned the day before. There's always fresh dust to clean in a place with hardwood floors and lots of surfaces. Point being, there's always something that can be cleaned. It's a way of honoring and expressing gratitude for what I have (why give me more if I'm not appreciating what I already have?). This usually yields immediate insight or intuition about what needs my focus next to engage more flow.

PRESENCE. How am I showing up for EVERYTHING? It might seem daunting, but it yields a rich harvest. Every footstep, every breath, every word is an opportunity for me to birth something into the world. Even if I'm feeling like crap on the inside, I can still choose to reach into compassion, service, gratitude, and self-love in the presence of people and activities. It may be a longer growing cycle than say microwaved popcorn, yet the amount of love, attention, integrity, and authenticity I pour into this garden will produce great fruit, and SEEDS to share plant for future gardens.

OBSERVATION. My willingness to observe myself without judging while doing the above will bring even more awareness of what needs my attention next.

Turning Poison Into Nectar

"That by which we fall is that by which we rise."
~ Kularnava Tantra

In times of increased energy; during a Full Moon or Eclipse, at the height of great emotion, on the heels of a powerful spiritual experience or awakening, when something we believe to be greater than we thought to be possible happens...in these times, not only the light in us, but also any illusions we're carrying (known or unknown) are also magnified. And when illusions are magnified, it can feel painful, even like everything we know is falling apart. What is true North during these moments? How do we meet them productively without giving in to the ego's convincing chatter that something has gone horribly wrong and is only going to get worse?

How can we turn these experiences from poison to nectar? What can we look to for real, palpable support?

Don't get mad...'cause I'm going to say the 'd' word again. Discipline. The tendencies for the mind to look on the dark side are a form of discipline, habit turned to conditioning. Pavlov's dog; ring the bell, and the dog salivates after many times of ringing a bell and then giving the dog food, the dog then associates bell-ringing with impending food delivery.

So we've got these two forms of discipline or conditioning...the ones that have disciplined the mind to be invested in illusions and create suffering of any degree, and the ones that avail the mind to Truth.

When Socrates says "Know Thyself", he's not offering it out for the heck of it. How well do you really know yourself? How clear are you about the bells that consistently get you to salivate, even when there's no food in sight? Are you ready to unhook from the puppet-strings that make you act, think, and feel in ways that are wholly unproductive to your Freedom, to living fully in the present moment, and able to choose, really choose the best option for all concerned in the moment, rather than being led around by your conditioning.

For years, my sexual energy led me around like a dog on a chain. Something would trigger this sexual energy, and I would go on the hunt to act it out. Sometimes immediately, sometimes working out a plan. And I was never satisfied by the experience when it was arising in this way. Physical intimacy is only satisfying for me when my Heart is open and I don't need it. When I'm sharing it from a place of contentment.

Sure, I've been able to have a truck-load of peak-experiences, but most of them were merely spikes of adrenaline, and once over, left me feeling empty, unfulfilled, and like I still had a tremendous itch that not only could I not scratch, but didn't even know what the itch was.

It's Love. Self-Love. Self-Love which opens me to Universal Love.

When I'm connected to Self-Love, everything is fulfilling, because I'm already fulfilled. So anything I engage with becomes an expression of my fulfillment, rather than a futile attempt to get some person, experience, or place outside of me to lift me up, to complete me, which by definition, it cannot.

I have had to develop the discipline to Love myself. No Guru, holy book, sacred vortex, or special diet can do this for me. And when I'm connected to Self-Love, I can feel and be further uplifted by the Truth through various scriptures, amazing meals with friends, long silent meanderings through nature, the hummingbirds outside my window, or anything else that shows up in exchange.

This past Saturday night, I went to a puja, an ancient Indian ritual with powerful chants honoring and invoking the Truth that is already here through direct experience. On the drive over to Maha Yoga in Brentwood for the puja, I focused on feeling the breath moving through my body, the sensations of it, and all the ways I Love myself. This was my preparation. And I continued it throughout the puja.

Over and over again during the puja, I was amazed at the intense, expansive currents of palpable energy I felt moving in wave after blissful wave through my body and my Heart. These currents were emanating from within my Heart in response to the chants. And having been at this spiritual path business for a couple of decades, I've been to a number of chants and other rituals. And always from a place of looking to the ritual to give me something, something I wasn't finding within.

It's this ridiculously funny irony (at least to me)...until I find what I'm looking for on the inside, I'll never find it on the outside.

How does that apply to turning poison into nectar?

When I'm connected to Self-Love, I don't see or experience anything as poison. I experience it as no different from anything else. Another moment in time with choices to make, or not. And actions to take or not, knowing that what I am doesn't change either way....what I Truly am. From this perspective, I can meet any circumstance with what it needs.

Do I always do this? No.

Am I developing my capacity to live this way all the time? Yes. That's discipline.

So the places where I feel like I'm falling are the places where I'm being shown my next exercise to develop Self-Love in the Universal Gym.

The Seer and the Scene...

For some, this kind of micro-awareness might smack of a kind of teeth-grinding effort to split hairs. For those who've been getting tired of the the roller-coaster ride of of living only for the senses, this might be a HUGE breath of fresh air. For me? This way of 'practicing' is my life...more of the time than not....except when I "forget".

There are some rich veins of Gold with powerful teachings that on the outset could seem either uber basic, or impenetrable. Patanjali's Yoga Sutras is no exception. Somewhere around the 2nd Century BC, a Sage/Saint by the name of Patanjali composed his famous YOGA SUTRAS as a guide to taking each of those single steps towards Freedom that draw Infinite Grace to You.

Vritti-sarupyam-itaratra

In other states [when the mind is not established in its essential nature], the seer appears the same as the thought waves in the mind. (Patanjali's Yoga Sutras, Book 1, Sutra 4...translation by Baba Hari Dass)

Whatever I focus on, becomes my experience. Said another way, "Where Awareness Goes, Energy Flows" (a saying made popular in the '70s and highlighted frequently by my friend and mentor David Elliott).

I live in a place (Los Angeles) that for most of the world is one big "scene". And what scene you move in here can seem to determine your social status. Or can it?

Are you and I cemented into a specific caste, wherever in the world we live?

Are our friends, jobs, relationships, preferences, and aversions all set in stone? Are we stuck with our current experience of ourselves and life until or if some "magical being" appears from thin air to change it for us?

Or...

Is the golden key to what to some may seem like a prison-cell of a life in our side pocket?

In my experience, that key has been with me all along. No one else has the key to my reality. No one else has the answer for me. Other people can have juicy information, but if I don't digest it and live it, it's just more information to gather dust on my already crowded bookshelves.

Digestion. What are you digesting? What are you not digesting? Any life-experiences that I haven't yet digested (ie; ones that still leave me with a 'bad taste in my mouth') continue to circulate through my thoughts, emotions, and body sensations, influencing how I see, hear, and experience the world around me, as well as shaping my inner experience of myself.

Oh ~ and it's not just the experiences that left a seeming 'bad taste' that stick around and mold my awareness, it's also the times and places when/where I experienced something great, and believed that someone or something outside of me was the cause, and have gone forward trying to re-create the same or similar situations so that I can hope to re-experience the same good feelings again and again.

However, the thing I missed seeing was and is the key ingredient. And that's what I feel Patanjali is cool enough to point out in this sutra ~ how I show up determines my experience, not what's happening.

What do I mean by "how I show up"?

Where I place my attention determines how I experience not only anything, but everything.

And there really is a kind of "inner musculature". Just like building specific muscles through consistent effort for something like rock-climbing, I can build the inner muscles for being able to choose where I put my attention.

For example (and I'm sure I'm the only one....ha ha), I have thoughts come up in my mind about other drivers that aren't always kind or uplifting (major understatement). When I believe these thoughts, my adrenaline pumps through my body getting me ready for fight or flight, more similar thoughts gather with the energy of "attack", and I'm no longer clear and present; I'm in reaction-mode.

I know I have a choice now. I can notice the initial thoughts that want to judge the person in front of me for pulling into my lane without using a turn-signal. I know that if I believe the judging attack-thoughts, my body will contract, and it won't feel good at all. There may be an adrenaline spike, which can be a bit intoxicating, but it doesn't feel like expansion or Love at all.

The attack thoughts only arise to protect me, in some sort of animal-like way. However, if I relax, let the attack thoughts pass, breathe, let my foot off the accelerator, I'm safe, and in no need of protecting, and in no need of attacking anything. When I believe the attack-thoughts, I become an attacker, and my reality becomes one of war of sorts.

As far as I can recollect, I never put images of war on my vision board as something to aspire to.

It's not my job to teach people how to drive. My job is healing. I'm a healer. And more and more often, I'm reminded that I'm a healer all of the time...not just when I'm teaching. When I focus on neutrality, when I focus on Self-Love, I can be a healing influence in any environment. When I allow myself to open, trust, connect with Self-Love, and let the healing expand, guess what comes into my life? People and experiences that reflect back to me where I am...in a place of Love.

So this entry reaches back a few posts to where I'm working with discipline...I'm choosing to be a disciple of Love. Choosing Love as my experience and expression is my discipline...is not only my spiritual practice, but my practice for a life that flows! May we both always be reminded of Love as the option of choice...

Kobe Bryant, Anoushka Shankar, and You...

I'm not exactly card-carrying with any affiliation or membership these days. Less and less it the need to belong and be accepted showing itself around my connection with any groups. As I find more and more freedom in my Heart through self-love, I'm not interested in finding a glamorous group of some sort to accept me and white-wash over the places I haven't been willing to do the work around releasing insecurity myself. And so I'm increasingly finding myself showing up around groups of people with a hell of a lot more freedom to feel, be, do, and speak from a relaxed and open place. And a potent side-effect is that it's heightened my interest in and capacity for observing, and noticing more deeply without judgment.

Mastery...

To say that I'm fascinated with mastery would be a bit like suggesting that Winnie The Pooh doesn't really mind honey all that much. I feel like a tractor beam is leading me, drawing me to people and groups that are demonstrating mastery.

Here's my short-list from just the last couple of months:

• Anoushka Shankar (one of Ravi Shankar's daughters, the other being Norah Jones) at the Hollywood Bowl
• Pilobolus (dance troup) at the Music Center in downtown LA
• Deva Premal, Miten, and Manose (Hybrid of Devotional Music from Eastern traditions and a crisp full Western Sound)
• Elena Brower (certified Anusara Teacher and co-owner/founder of Virayoga in Soho, NYC)
• David Elliott (healer, writer, artist, visionary)
• Kobe Bryant (point guard LA Lakers)

That Kobe Bryant is on my radar, along with point guards for a handfull of other basketball teams this early in the season makes me laugh and surprises the heck out of me. Maybe I should've seen it coming.

Why a surprise?

Ah, well...as a kid I didn't know I was gay, but I did know that I wasn't good at sports. At least that's the story I told myself for a lot of years. There's this one memory of me at about age 5 or 6 in the back yard with my Dad teaching me whiffle ball, and me getting bored and frustrated at my inability to hit the ball. My Dad, on the other hand, excelled at sports of any sort. However, he had a pretty short temper back then, and wasn't high on patience for extended periods of time. So my insecurity fueled disinterest fueled his impatience, and as far as I can remember, that was the end of him trying to draw out any bit of athletic prowess lurking in my 45lb frame.

What I had no grasp of at that age, and for a long time thereafter, was discipline. So many things came easily to me that I never needed to learn to focus my energy consistently over time. I never had to crack a book, and still got straight A's all the way until middle school. When math and science became difficult, and I had teachers I didn't connect with, my grades sank faster than a lead balloon.

Cut to the last few weeks as I keep finding myself glued to the TV at the gym watching NBA games at the beginning of the season AND other teams than my home city champions, the LA Lakers. And not only am I watching, I'm seeing basketball in ways I've never seen it before. Back when I'd watch the end of the odd Lakers game in the Finals, I'd always be watching the guy with the ball. Now...I find myself almost watching the game peripherally...I'm watching the whole court, and how both teams move as units through the space of the court with a single unified focus. I'm getting excited just discribing it. When any single player becomes self-conscious, he separates from the unit, and the team has a leak in its energy. When all the players let go of their self-interest in pursuit of the goal, there's so much life-force and power pulsating that they're virtually unstoppable.

This is where the mastery comes in on the heels of discipline. I've been sharing my take on discipline for a while now ~ becoming a disciple of something consistently over time, aligning thought, word, and action. This kind of sustained practice and single-minded focus purifies the disciple (or point-guard, artist, mother, writer) of thoughts, beliefs, actions, and habits that just leak energy and create distractions from his or her aim or Goal. With enough leaks, the ego can convince me that I'm terrible at whatever I'm pursuing and get me to quit...and without the awareness that I can plug the leaks myself and get on with the business of my goal. It'll try to convince me of something like, 'Oh...I'm just not that creative/skilled/smart/(insert word of choice) afterall. Bullshit. Excuse my 'french'... Absolute and total bullshit.

Every single human being is HIGHLY creative. Most of us have just confused creativity with skill. Can you appreciate beauty? You're creative.

Creativity is not the ability to draw the vase of flowers on your dining room table with exacting photo-realism. That's skill. And skill comes from discipline. Hours and hours and hours of getting your hands familiar with the pencils and how each one works with your hands so that when it comes time to bring an idea through from your mind to the paper, your body is sensitive and honed to be able to follow your intentions and draw the vase of flowers. Same goes for anything really.

The difference I see between masters and amateurs is discipline over time. Discipline is not a prison sentence or some form of forced labor. It's discipleship. And with discipleship, there are very few, if any, shortcuts. And as I'm discovering, from discipline free of expectations and/or judgments, flows a nectar unlike nearly any other.

In the Bhagavad Gita, Krishna tells his friend and disciple Arjuna, "You have a right to the actions, but not to the fruit of your actions." What?!? Is he saying we have to work really hard with no perks? No...

As best as I understand him, Krishna is telling Arjuna that fruits will either come or not, and by focusing solely on the fruits of the actions, attachments and expectations are formed out of dissatisfaction or insecurity; the idea that something or someone outside of me can fix me.

However, as I plunge deeper and deeper into Self-Love, I'm finding contentment. And when contentment is present, I don't feel like there's anything missing, nothing wrong to fix, no better experience to hunt down.

I'm about 100% certain that all this sharpened focus on Self-Love over six months has made it possible for me to be interested in the process of mastery rather than just being fixated on the fruits of mastery.

I'm fascinated by taking deeper care and attention with myself, my life, and my environment physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. As each of these areas is getting honed, it's getting easier to be a conduit for the Creativity we all have equal access to. This is one of the most exciting times in my life so far, and the more I focus on discipline (with a good dose of humor along the way), the more fun I'm having, and the more excited I get each morning to hop out of bed and explore the new day.