On The Verge Of In-Between

I'm on the verge of being present in a way I didn't even know existed.  And I'm writing about it as a way of feeling the texture of it, immersing in it to get to know it more deeply.  Even though I know theoretically that there's no such actuality as "inside" and "outside" when it comes to consciousness or the Absolute, that it's one big everything/nothing/everywhere/nowhere, directly experiencing it is a whole other matter.  So there's this direct experience that's been making itself known over the past week while my Mom was visiting.  That in itself is wholly fascinating to me as well -- taking a leap in awareness while intensively with family.  Habitually, those were the times when I'd feel I'd lost a lot of the muscles for presence and awareness by the end of a week.

So this sense of something is becoming increasingly more apparent.  I had to laugh that the most noticeable spike of Awareness to seemingly kick off my noticing of whatever it is that's going on (I know, I know....could that sound any more vague?  Ha ha ha....), happened while watching BURLESQUE with my Mom on Friday afternoon.

I found myself magnetized by Christina Aguilera's character's unwavering focus, passion, and commitment to developing herself, for being the absolute best at her craft without suppressing or damaging anyone or anything else along the way.  This fierce laser-like focus is undeniable.  (As a sidenote, that I'd be getting head-to-toe goosebumps in a musical-like movie with Cher and Aguilera made me question my butch-ness, ha ha ha).

Watching Aguilera's character, I immediately went to the thought, 'What if I gave that kind of consistent focus and attention to the Presence (this is what I call 'Reality' or the 'Absolute' or the 'One without a second' or 'Pure Consciousness')...what if my attention to this Presence were unwavering, allowing it unfettered movement through all of my being?  What would be possible for the people who come to work with me?  What would life be like?

The answer felt a bit like walking in the airport and suddenly getting on one of those moving sidewalks, only at hyper-speed...everything accelerated, and immediately.  The only way to have some sense of balance is to completely let go of control, to relax, keep focused on the Presence, and wait to be moved and directed.

As I came out of the theatre, I stayed with it.  And I noticed that it was drawing focus.  People were turning to look.  This was the first test of remaining focused on the Presence.  It's not about me.  It's not me they're looking at.  It's the same Presence that moves through everything, and somehow it's more noticeable in this moment.  Rather than need their looks to fill up any empty places within me, my job is to let the Presence fill in those places, as only it can.

In the following days, up to now, something keeps reminding me to let go, relax, and return my inner gaze to this Presence, and to be noticing it everywhere.

It's strange to attempt to articulate it at this point.  But there's a felt difference in looking at the trees outside the window by my writing desk in an old habitual way as separate objects that I'm looking at, or looking at them, and even feeling them, as part of this same energy flow that I'm feeling moving through and as my own Awareness.  And yet the eyes still "see" trees.  The feeling is very different though.  It feels more Whole.  There's a diminished sense of urgency within me.  I didn't even know how urgent I can be a lot of the time (about who knows what, just urgent), except in retrospect, in these moments where there's so much less of it.

Writing about it is such a paradox for my mind.  There's this ease-full contented feeling of nothing to do, nowhere to go, and yet knowing there are things to do and places to go today at specific times.  The sense that's becoming more pronounced the more I focus on it, is that none of these activities are about getting something.

Back to my thought in the movie, 'What if I let my job be to 100% give all my heart and focus to this Presence?'  And the response is a loud, "HELL YES!"  Going and seeing 127 HOURS last night made this focus even more compelling.  This guy must cut off his own arm to survive (true story). 

Suzuki Roshi, a great Zen teacher, often taught, "Death is certain, the time is not.  What is the most important thing?  Focus on it." 

I know I'm not my body, my thoughts, or my emotions.  Yet I can still be seduced into those worlds.  And it's not about avoiding or denying my body, thoughts, or emotions either.  It's this in-between place of focus.  I'm on the verge of in-between.

What To Do When Nothing Seems To Be Working...

We all have these moments at one point or another. A situation, relationship, inner experience that just won't seem to yield to any of our best efforts at change.

The first thing is to take stock. What's the reality around what I'm dealing with in the situation at hand. Let me put all the facts on the table, so I can see what's the fabrication of insecurity either as a projection of fantasy or an attempt to solidify doubt. This is a really great thing to do in writing.

Next, getting clear about what my unmet needs and wants are about it...and being truthful about what I may be avoiding doing, looking at, and acknowledging that would get some flow moving. AND immediately doing, looking at, or acknowledging fully. OR, what am I doing that is a dis-service to my intentions, where am I leaking energy by engaging with the "unnecessary".

For many things, these steps will get things moving in a healthy direction, create more expansion, and open deeper clarity.

What if they don't? What if I really go for it, and am still feeling like it's "stuck"?

At this point, my intuition tells me that its probably a major life lesson, and that I'm being offered an opportunity to grow exponentially based on how I show up for myself and any related elements and people in the midst of the "stuckness".

When something like this pops its head up (mine seems to usually be around finance so far), the normal trend is for it to bring up insecurity, fear, and doubt...with a layer over it of anger, resentment, and frustration. These emotions, while having a sort of reality, can be a way of staying distracted from the best path of action and being. They can take on an overwhelming life of their own. One that seeks to involve other people's energy and attention, and none of it making any difference, only adding to the emotional turmoil, the emotional drama.

Example ~ my finances continue to expand and contract and expand and contract. When the finances appear to be contracting, it can trigger massive insecurity and distrust in the Universe having my back. Along with the insecurity and distrust, comes fear of very bleak ego-imagined future. If I let these feelings hang around, unquestioned, unexplored, and if I don't do the work of connecting with self-love....oh brother! Watch out! This is the place where I'm likely to stub a toe, forget things, run late, rush, get irritable with customer service providers, make poor nutritional decisions, etc. Sound at all familiar? And then, top it all off with some frothy self-judgment...if you've been walking the spiritual path, you might hear the voice that says, 'You should know better by now. Maybe you're devolving,' or something fairly close.

"You'll have much less drama with money in your personal life if you hold your value more."
~ David Elliott

I can't suppress those voices, as that'll only give them more fuel for their next appearance. And ignoring them is fruitless as well. PRESENCE.

I've got to get present. There are likely more ways of getting present than there are humans on the planet. So this isn't about the "right way" to get present, it's about trusting your common sense and doing what you know to do, and doing it NOW.

So back to the example around finance. Let's say I've already done everything I know to do around my finances and my work for the moment. Bills have been paid and/or explicit agreements have been made with all bill collectors. And let's say there's no real sense of where the next chunk of money's going to come from, or when. Then what?

PRESENCE. First, I get to cleaning. Physically cleaning all the spaces I occupy. Even if I just cleaned the day before. There's always fresh dust to clean in a place with hardwood floors and lots of surfaces. Point being, there's always something that can be cleaned. It's a way of honoring and expressing gratitude for what I have (why give me more if I'm not appreciating what I already have?). This usually yields immediate insight or intuition about what needs my focus next to engage more flow.

PRESENCE. How am I showing up for EVERYTHING? It might seem daunting, but it yields a rich harvest. Every footstep, every breath, every word is an opportunity for me to birth something into the world. Even if I'm feeling like crap on the inside, I can still choose to reach into compassion, service, gratitude, and self-love in the presence of people and activities. It may be a longer growing cycle than say microwaved popcorn, yet the amount of love, attention, integrity, and authenticity I pour into this garden will produce great fruit, and SEEDS to share plant for future gardens.

OBSERVATION. My willingness to observe myself without judging while doing the above will bring even more awareness of what needs my attention next.