In the last several days, my past has been coming back to revisit me. As I sit here at my desk watching my breath, grounding deeper into the Earth, feeling the sensations in my body in this moment....the dots are connecting with more lucidity. I've been clearing a considerable amount of credit card debt this month, which for me represents places in my past where I used the short-cut of credit to get something in the moment that I didn't have the resources to purchase with cash. Bear with me here, as I'm choosing to look much deeper than the surface of things where credit and debt are considered normal and a regular part of life for so many. I'm choosing to look deeper than ever at my relationship with resources, and how the amount of flow of resources through my life is correlate to the depth of my trust and love in my Self.
A handful of people have been surfacing over the last few days with whom I'd had situations in the past at times when my sense of self was projected so much more onto how the world thought of me...or at least how I felt the world thought of me. In each of these cases, I made decisions out of suppressed insecurity in the moment. In a couple of cases, they were decisions to engage in purchases or deals where my part of the exchange would be handled "later". Basically, on credit. In both cases, my ego seduced me into believing that the service or product was urgently needed, and would dramatically improve the quality of my life. And in both cases, in retrospect, I would've been fine without said "improvements" or waiting until I had the funds.
In these cases, the psychic energy coming to me has felt draining and more than a little aggressive. It's definitely getting my attention and cause for me to slow down, pay attention, and humbly ask my intuition to teach me...to bring me clarity so that I can recoup my energy, release the investments that left me open to these "feeding energies", and return to expansion and Love here and now.
Engaging in these deals without the funds combined with the strong "expectations" that these deals were going to somehow quickly save me from something, set me up to have my personal energy supply be wide open for feeding. The antidote? Self-Love. My real-time, in-the-moment practice of connecting with self-love has become deep, strong, and continues to grow. However, because I'm dealing with situations from the past, my practice has to be strong enough to be in the moment and fill the void of insecurity lurking from the past. It requires extra vigilance, extra clarity, extra neutrality, and extra self-love.
This is all coming to light as I'm preparing myself for David Elliott's next Global Healing Group on October 10th focusing on Psychic Boundaries. As he mentions in the invitation letter, really consciously dealing with Psychic Boundaries is the steepest gradient. It's steep because it's not obvious to most of us, most of the time. We've been so easily distracted by the surface of life, and by the idea that happiness is something to be gotten in transactions with the outer world and the people in it, rather than an innate quality of the Self revealed through abiding self-love.
So I've been more focused than ever these last couple of days in noticing the thoughts crossing my mind...noticing which people come to mind, how often, and what happens to my energy when thoughts of them arise. If my energy expands with a thought, I know it's probably based in Love. If my energy sinks or dissipates, I know the exchange is off, and that I must go deeper into self-love as I'm setting these psychic boundaries.
As I've been paying off debt again, I'm noticing a lot more frequency in the last two days of thoughts of people that come with a drop in my energy. This morning, the clarity from my intuition is strong. It's showing me that I'm revisiting places in my consciousness, places that in the past I've pulled away from out of insecurity...I'm being given fresh opportunities in these areas to stay present, deepen my breath, connect with the feeling self-love, and remain neutral...even when, and especially when I'm uncomfortable or feeling triggered toward negative emotion. As I choose love through the discomfort, I'm building stronger muscles for freedom. As I choose love, I see more clearly that it's only the ego that is uncomfortable. Love is my True Nature, and Love itself is content in itself. I'm re-orienting more of my attention to the Truth of who and what I am.
For now it's a process. I choose to make deeper peace with the process. I choose Peace. I'm demonstrating these choices to myself in the moment by consciously breathing into the old empty crevices with self-love, self-trust, self-appreciation, and recognition in the moment of who and what I am.
It turns out that Self-Love is the ultimate short-cut. The ego will likely always think otherwise. And in the words of Adyashanti, "Ego is always pretending to be the most important thing going on."