Friday, November 13, 2009

Where's my Yerba Mate?

Where's my Yerba Mate? Grrrrr....

I know you've never woken up feeling "not quite like yourself" right? And do I even dare broach the ontological pandora's box asking the next question? Like, what is "yourself" and how do you know for certain that what you call you is the Whole and Actual You?

From the moment my eyes decided to pop open this morning, and for at least a good 45minutes after that, my mind was spitting up. You know, kind of like after feeding a baby. It's not really personal at all, it's not the baby trying to attack or anything like that, it's just the baby's digestive system doing what it does, and spitting up (hopefully not on your new shirt!). Mind's seem to spit up, that's just part of what they do.

This morning, mine was searching for something to make me feel insecure about. Had I not gone through this a few times before, I might've actually been seduced into believing some of it. But, alas, it's not my first rodeo with my mind, and probably not my last...yet.

I have a few things in my toolbox for such "joyous" occasions, and so the first thing was to set an intention to clear the static in my mind, the second was to clean something. While fully soaped up washing dishes, a little space opened in the mental cirque du soleil and I could see that behind all the threads of half-stories my mind was spinning, behind all of that, was just this strong pulsation of energy...a lot of energy. A lot of CREATIVE energy.

Intuition kicked it, 'I didn't write yesterday, I bet I just need to write.'

You see I've found myself observing lately that when creative energy doesn't get expressed in positive ways, it seems to get twisted up inside and fester as destructive energy. Could be negative thought forms, could be false ideas about people or situations, could be unbalanced emotions; anything to bring back the familiar experience of some degree of insecurity. Something other than the freedom of Self-Love.

Oh! And to top it all off, shortly after getting up, a wrong number called my cell-phone this morning, and he was feeling rather chatty. At first I thought it was someone I knew, because he was being so familiar with me and was certain that he'd reached the right person. When we' d established that I was a wrong number, he was already intrigued and becoming flirty, and agressively flirty at that. I felt the same part of my ego that was being seduced by the "spit-up" stories of my mind, feeling seduced by this stranger on the phone. I started to feel like I had age-regressed, like I was 6 years old. That I had to be nice, that I had to stay on the phone until I was released, and even felt the familiar pull of being wanted......until,


It was like clouds burning off with bright morning Sun.

'This is not LOVE. This is a seduction. I choose love, I choose peace.'

As quickly as I moved into the feeling place of Self-Love, I could speak freely. "This isn't my scene. I'm careful about where I put my energy these days. I'm sure you're a great guy, but I'm not into the whole anonymous scene." At which point, something in him seemed to become lucid, and the call ended in peace.

Back to washing the dishes. 'I need to write,' I thought, 'I didn't write yesterday, and I have a tremendous amount of energy moving through me. If I don't use it to create, I'm going to draw in more seductions from inside or outside that don't deliver anything but insecurity. '

So here I am...writing...expressing...trusting...and wouldn't you know, I feel clear!

Could it be that simple?